Actually, I used to believe I’ve been in love so many times. I had my first same sex partner as early as fifteen years old and I used to think I loved him. I was immature, you cannot blame me.  Love for me before was just as shallow as a stream. Hormones also aided in deceiving me for they made me feel love-like emotions. But after getting few experiences, learning new lessons and getting to higher level of emotions and relationships (and losing my virginity…joke! Haha), I realized something that changed my outlook about love.

I realized I’ve never been in love before. Never. Not even once.

This concluding realization is actually brought about by other ‘islets’ of realizations. I do believe great sacrifice and not worship (sorry, Nick Joaquin) is the highest form of love. Why? It’s because I never sacrificed for someone before (except for my parents, of course). When I’m in a relationship, I’m dominant. I want my feelings to be given more importance than anyone else’s. It’s one reason why my longest relationship only ran for four months. Even the tamest guy from UP nor a business student dean’s lister from La Salle wasn’t able to handle me. Initially, they took me as a challenge but they failed in the end. I am hardheaded. I always get what I want. I’m bizarre most of the time. I don’t wanna be given favor which doesn’t come from the heart. I always want everything to come from the heart and not just because they’re afraid of me, or worse, they pity me. I don’t wanna be pitied. That’s one thing I hate in the world. I’m a proud person. I hate saying sorry especially when it’s not me who’s at fault. These are just some of my weaknesses (sometimes, my strengths). And for a person to say he loves another person, he must see to it he accepts the other person’s flaws (which I’ve never done before. I’m idealistic. I always want everything to be perfect according to my standards).

The truth is, I almost fell in love before. Almost. He was the only guy I was able to spend a moment in a room with (just the two of us) without us having sex. I almost went crazy over him, but it’s the opposite thing for him. Ironically, for this person, I’m just no one. I’m not even sure he sees me as a friend or if he even remembers me. I just hope he remembers that at a certain point in his life, an egoistic man like Jan almost fell in love with him but Jan chose to lose him rather than lose himself.

I wanted to share this short essay from the book ‘Ladlad 2′ lent to me by Jjamppong but I can’t find a copy of it on the Internet. It was one of the best essays I’ve read in my entire life for it revealed to me the real meaning of love.

Love is rare. It is rarer in the world of a homosexual. So if you find it, keep it.

I do believe a person in love always loses himself in the process, for love is total surrender. It’s the absolute sacrifice. Sacrificing oneself (and I don’t only mean here ‘dying’ for someone) for someone is not an easy thing to do. Believe me. Especially for a person like Jan.

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October 14th, 2008 by jansuing Jan Suing is currently the Editor-in-chief of The Lamp, the Official Student Publication of the Far Eastern University Institute of Nursing. He's an agnostic theist, a fan of Nietzsche and a movie buff. Among his favorite films are Sympathy for Lady Vengeance and Revolutionary Road. www.formspring.me/jansuing www.twitter.com/juansuing